Date Night Study Hall - Closeness

Date Night Study Hall

Closeness – October 4

5 Cs of Marriage – Covenant, Communication, Conflict, Closeness and Children

RECAP:  Conflict
-       90/10 rule – Determine your 90!
-       Conflict support is necessary
         o   Friends vs Friends of the Relationship
         o   The Value of Counseling


Closeness (The Furnishing of the House)

Ruth and Boaz

Defining Closeness as intimacy, romance, emotional and physical togetherness. 
Head over heels experience vs intimacy; our goal isn’t effortless romance but costly romance.  

Ruth and Boaz – Ruth 3:1-18
Risky story, especially given Ruth’s importance! 

Note that closeness is somewhat self-perpetuating.  You cannot demand it; you can only receive it.  But you can invest in closeness at any time, regardless of your situation.  It can be restarted by intentional actions.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman – Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service.

Physical Touch

-       More than just sex (but sex matters a great deal)

-       Role of non-sexual touch in closeness

-       Benefit of sexual connection in marriage

Different experiences of how to experience excitement (visual vs emotional triggers) and different sex drives.

Cultural perspectives on sex vs God’s perspective – 1 Corinthians 7.  Tool for building closeness. 

Importance of conversation about sex on topics of pleasure, affection, frequency, etc.


Quality Time

Distinction of Togetherness vs Proximity.

Quality Time and Quality Conversation – not always synonymous.  Key – it’s only QT if you both indent and experience it as QT.  Listen to the person whose language is QT first.

Diminishing distractions in the world of 24/7 connectivity.

Role of date night, building family traditions, and shared experiences.

Communicate about Romance tank – this fills me up, this is less important to me, etc.

Acts of Service/Gifts/Words of Affirmation
-       Other routes to closeness.


Conversation: Practical Steps to Increase Closeness

1.     Go on and take the assessment to determine your love language.  Does this match what you expected?  What would you expect your spouse’s/significant other’s/friend’s language to be?

2.     Reflect on how you can do something specific and simple in the other person’s love language this week.

3.     If you are dating or married, assess your quality time.  Do you have a date night?  Do you have shared interests?  Add something to your schedule every week between now and the end of the month.

4.     If you are married, assess your physical intimacy.  Are you meeting each other’s needs?  Define expectations and if need be, schedule time.